I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
