Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
