Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
