Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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