the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
