What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
