I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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