apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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