I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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