sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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