i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
