Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize