Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
