Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
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Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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