Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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