I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
