i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
