do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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