her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
