sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
