I think I won the penis lottery.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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