Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
