You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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