I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
