Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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