And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
