I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
