omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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