i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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