I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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