you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
