i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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