Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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