Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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