I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
