It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
