while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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