OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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