I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
