nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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