just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
