if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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