I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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