Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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