it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
