I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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