In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
