my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
