the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
