he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
