You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
it was like eating out sand paper
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
