chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
