i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I've blown a few things in my day
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
