He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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