Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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