Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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