One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
