i wish peter jackson would direct porn
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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