Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
